Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 August 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 05 August 2017 |
At the United Nations
At the United Nations Conference on Poultry in Pecking, China, several accords were discussed, including a complicated capon-trade system. But as the cluck was winding down on the agreement, many nations cried fowl, arguing that capon-trade would only lead to more hen-some profits for agribusinesses, and real progress would be nothing but chicken feed. In order to lay down their yolks, developing nations staged a coop! Their leader made a speech, saying “When all people, white and dark, meat, there is hope.” This democratic gesture inspired everyone, even nations whose broil kings were in attendance. But the cynical members of the global press downplayed the developments, just drank a lot of Wild Turkey and got totally basted. #classicpun-011026Jack has a girlfriend, Wendy,
Jack has a girlfriend, Wendy, whom he loves a lot. To prove how much he loves her, he gets "Wendy" tattooed on his weenie. When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated it reads "Wy".When she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
Jack pops the question to her, she accepts and off they go to Jamaica on their honeymoon! There, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach. They are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing, and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and embarrass himself! He orders a drink from the guy at the bar who is also naked. He is surprised to note that the bartender also has "Wy" tattooed on his weenie!
Jack says to the guy, "Wow, what a coincidence, your girlfriend is named Wendy and you have her name tattooed on your private too!"
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his face and starts laughing!
Flashing a wide grin, he says, "No, mon. Mine says, "Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day"
What Did You Learn?
Susie came home from her first day at school.
Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"
"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."
Farmer Has Problems
There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.
Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.
Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
Precise Measurement – From the Guys Blonde Files
Two blonde engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,' said one, 'but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, 'Twenty one feet, six inches,' and walked away.
One blonde engineer shook his head and laughed, 'A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length.'
Begin by standing on a comfort...
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Too Much Time at the
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer. Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.
Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus
Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.Michael Ian Black: Jewish Summer Camps
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? Thats just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didnt want to be. Girlfriend to wife
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Mr I N Distress
Dear I N Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.
Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
With best wishes,
Tech Support.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
For 25 Cents
One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”
Grandma Said That?
Grandma Said That? I was out walking with my 4 ye...
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
