Jokes of the day for Thursday, 10 August 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 10 August 2017
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1817)

Behavior Modification Re-enforcers

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification re-enforcers”.
Alarm that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire,
“What on earth are behavior modification re-enforcers?”
“Lollipops,” was the reply.

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Bill's hair kept falling out

Bill's hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber. "That stuff you gave me," he cried, "is terrible! You said two bottles of it would make me hair grow, but nothing's happened."
"I don't understand it," said the barber. "That's the best hair restorer made."
"Well," said Bill, "I don't mind drinking another bottle, but it had better work!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

“Successful pianists

“Successful pianists know the key to success.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

I do calculus like a boss. I&#

I do calculus like a boss. I'm in the deriver's seat.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

While attending a Marriage Sem

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Mystery...???

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too farfrom the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Calculate the number 1644

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1644 using numbers [5, 5, 8, 8, 34, 281] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

 Adults Have Learned


Great truths about life that adults have learned

  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
  2. There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
  5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
  6. Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
  8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
  9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
  11. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Pete Holmes: Burger King God

I picture the Burger King king -- that's my God. You can have your God, I got my God. He's got the unmoving smiling face, the crown, the Whopper Jr. and he's up there watching. Just like, 'You wanna live? Have it your way.'
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 May 2017
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (15)

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 August 2013
  • Currently 5.01/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (93)

The Devil

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 August 2010
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (44)

Chuck Norris once leaned again...

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 August 2011
  • Currently 3.61/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (36)

Stock market report...

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 August 2008
  • Currently 5.55/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (31)

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 August 2010
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (26)

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