Jokes of the day for Saturday, 16 September 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 16 September 2017
  • Currently 9.52/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1160)

Harry did like he always did e

Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.
"What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster!
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel being a hen?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can," said the rooster.
Harry clucked twice, and pushed with all his might and then 'Plop' and a egg was on the ground.
"Wow," Harry said, "that feels much better!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry! Wake up. You're pooping all over the bed!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

Star power...

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles.

Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they among the most famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."

#joke
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

What's A Tupperware Party?

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, 'Mommy is at a Tupperware party.'
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, 'What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?'
I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. 'Well, Brian,' I said, 'at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.'
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. 'Come on, Dad,' he said. 'What is it really?'

 

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

“The hen passed her l

“The hen passed her legacy to an egg that was heir today, gone tamago.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (9)

Your house plants are alive, a

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids nextdoor won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condomsand pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm nevergoing to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for realwork.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 July 2016
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Partner Takes Vacation

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation:
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 July 2015
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Find number abc

If acb5a - 2a2c9 = 5a4a9 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

They once tried to carve Chuck...

They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 September 2011
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (42)

Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a Referee

I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 September 2010
  • Currently 3.54/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (41)

Myq Kaplan: New Game Show

I have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and its called Can You Remember What You Just Saw? Thats actually the bonus round. Round one is Can You Describe Whats in Front of You Right Now? OK, you got it? Were going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept awesome.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 September 2011
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (40)

Blonde - Tracks

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some

tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The

second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one

said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?

They all got hit by a train!

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 September 2011
  • Currently 3.49/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (37)

Eugene Mirman: Kids Say the Darnedest Things

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 September 2012
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (29)

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