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Jokes of the day for Friday, 29 September 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 29 September 2017

They Cheated

Once two star football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game.
So, after much begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again.
They took the test, and turned it in.
The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big 'F' on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. 'Why?' the coach asked.
The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test.
The answer read 'I don't know.' The coach said that it did not prove anything.
The teacher handed him the second test. The answer read 'I don't know either.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

A golfer was sitting in the cl

A golfer was sitting in the clubhouse after playing a round. He looked upset, so his friend went over and asked what was wrong.
The golfer said, "It was terrible. On the 16th hole I sliced one out onto the freeway and it went through the windshield of a bus, and there was a horrible accident. The bus went out of control and hit a car head-on. There were dead people all over the place."
His friend said, "That's awful. What did you do?"
"Well, I closed up my stance and shortened my backswing a little."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #44 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“My wild cat ran away

“My wild cat ran away last week. I put up posters in our neighborhood so that others can help me find the missing lynx.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

The pun about cross-breeding a

The pun about cross-breeding a cow with a French lamb? Now we've reached agneau low.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

A fire fighter is working on t

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Signs of the times...

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

#joke
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

 How To Get Across The River


A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.
She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.
After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 November 2014
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (52)

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 September 2013
  • Currently 8.35/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (49)

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 September 2009
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (46)

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 September 2010
  • Currently 6.08/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (40)

Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family

They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (30)

Bastille Day Joke

14 July is Bastille Day! Have fun with this very Bastille Day joke!

It's the time of the French Revolution and they’re doing their usual daily beheadings.
Today they’re leading a priest, a prostitute, and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next, the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out:
"Hey, I see what your problem is!"

#joke
  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (10)

Travel jokes

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

What happens when you wear a watch on a plane?
Time flies!

I wanted to make a joke about time travel,
but you guys didn’t like it.

Why don't aliens visit our planet?
It has terrible ratings. Just one star.

The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good…
it was a little plan

Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.

The airline lost my luggage, so I sued them.
Unfortunately, I lost the case.

As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel.
'Excuse me,' I shouted.
'That’s my suitcase.'
The man shot back defensively,
'Well, somebody took mine!'

My favourite childhood memory is my parents paying for my holidays.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

A wife was making a breakfast...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 October 2015
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

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