Jokes of the day for Saturday, 30 September 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 30 September 2017 |
Having lunch one day, a sex th...
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing.""Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."
I Want to Be a Pastor When I Grow Up
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.” I try to speak the language of
I try to speak the language of hamsters. But the translation gets all gerbiled.A man walking along a Californ
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lordsaid, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grantyou one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormousbottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearlyexhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me tojustify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think ofsomething that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want toknow how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silenttreatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong",and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Under a tack ....
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another office had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.
The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion."
Purchasing Power Of Burgers
Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said.
High Holidays Seating Request Form
During the last High Holidays, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
- I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking sectio
___ No talking section
- If talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
___ The rabbi|
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's voice
___ The cantor's significant other
___ The rabbi's significant other
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ My neighbors
___ My relatives
___ My neighbors' relatives
___ Presidential Election, results from
___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ My children/grandchildren
___ Other:_______________________________
- Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
__ Doctor
__ Dentist
__ Nutritionist
__ Psychiatrist
__ Child psychiatrist
__ Podiatrist
__ Chiropractor
__ Stockbroker
__ Accountant
__ Lawyer, General Practice
__ Criminal Lawyer
__ Civil Lawyer
__ Real estate agent
__ Architect__ Plumber
__ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
__ Sexologist (??)
__ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
__ Other:____________________________
- I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
__ On the aisle
__ Near the exit
__ Near the window
__ In Aruba
__ Near the bathroom
__ Near my in-laws
__ As far away from my in-laws as possible
__ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
__ Near the pulpit
__ Near the Kiddush table (not applicable on Yom Kippur)
__ Near single men
__ Near available women
__ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
__ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
___ Where I can use my iPhone
- (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
__ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
- Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
this change): $________________________
“My wild cat ran away
“My wild cat ran away last week. I put up posters in our neighborhood so that others can help me find the missing lynx.”
Chuck Norris sleeps with a nig...
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.Horse back riding
A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.
The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.
The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.
She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.
Three Nurses Tricks
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.
The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.
The third nurse fainted.
Hair pulling
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."
Demetri Martin: Futon World
Theres a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time. I was out walking with my 4 ye...
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Dog in Heat
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."