Jokes of the day for Saturday, 30 September 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 30 September 2017
  • Currently 9.57/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1264)

Having lunch one day, a sex th...

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

I Want to Be a Pastor When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

I try to speak the language of

I try to speak the language of hamsters. But the translation gets all gerbiled.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

A man walking along a Californ

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lordsaid, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grantyou one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormousbottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearlyexhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me tojustify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think ofsomething that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want toknow how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silenttreatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong",and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

Under a tack ....

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another office had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.

The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion."

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

 Purchasing Power Of Burgers


Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Find the pattern to determin...

Find the pattern to determine what the missing number is.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

High Holidays Seating Request Form

During the last High Holidays, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

  1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
    ___ Talking sectio
    ___ No talking section
  1. If talking, which category do you prefer?
    (Indicate order of interest:)
    ___ Stock market
    ___ Sports
    ___ Medicine
    ___ General gossip
    ___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
    ___ The rabbi|
    ___ The cantor
    ___ The cantor's voice
    ___ The cantor's significant other
    ___ The rabbi's  significant other
    ___ Fashion news
    ___ What others are wearing
    ___ Why they look awful
    ___ My neighbors
    ___ My relatives
    ___ My neighbors' relatives
    ___ Presidential Election, results from
    ___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom
    _____ My children/grandchildren
    ___ Other:_______________________________
  1. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
    __ Doctor
    __ Dentist
    __ Nutritionist
    __ Psychiatrist
    __ Child psychiatrist
    __ Podiatrist
    __ Chiropractor
    __ Stockbroker
    __ Accountant
    __ Lawyer, General Practice
    __ Criminal  Lawyer
    __ Civil Lawyer
    __ Real estate agent
    __ Architect__ Plumber
    __ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
    __ Sexologist  (??)
    __ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
    __ Other:____________________________
  1. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
    __ On the aisle
    __ Near the exit
    __ Near the window
    __ In Aruba
    __ Near the bathroom
    __ Near my in-laws
    __ As far away from my in-laws as possible
    __ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
    __ Near the pulpit
    __ Near the Kiddush table (not applicable on Yom Kippur)
    __ Near single men
    __ Near available women
    __ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
    __ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
    __ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
    ___ Where I can use my iPhone
  1. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
    __ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
    __ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
    __ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
    __ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
  1. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
    (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
    _________________________
    _________________________
    _________________________
    _________________________
    _________________________
    _________________________

Your name:_________________________________

Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for

this change): $________________________

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

“My wild cat ran away

“My wild cat ran away last week. I put up posters in our neighborhood so that others can help me find the missing lynx.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Horse back riding

A blonde goes horse back riding.

It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.

She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 5.53/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (30)

Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 September 2010
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (26)

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nig...

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (25)

Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2016
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (21)

Demetri Martin: Futon World

Theres a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (20)

Jokes Archive

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