A man was annoyed when his wifA man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" the husband asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face...
"Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
It was hard when I gave up IslIt was hard when I gave up Islam to study proctology. They declared me a prostate.
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
Business One-liners 122
Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.
I Want to Be a Pastor When I Grow UpAfter a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”
High Holidays Seating Request Form
During the last High Holidays, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
- I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking sectio
___ No talking section
- If talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
___ The rabbi|
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's voice
___ The cantor's significant other
___ The rabbi's significant other
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ My neighbors
___ My relatives
___ My neighbors' relatives
___ Presidential Election, results from
___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ My children/grandchildren
- Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
__ Child psychiatrist
__ Lawyer, General Practice
__ Criminal Lawyer
__ Civil Lawyer
__ Real estate agent
__ Architect__ Plumber
__ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
__ Sexologist (??)
__ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
- I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
__ On the aisle
__ Near the exit
__ Near the window
__ In Aruba
__ Near the bathroom
__ Near my in-laws
__ As far away from my in-laws as possible
__ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
__ Near the pulpit
__ Near the Kiddush table (not applicable on Yom Kippur)
__ Near single men
__ Near available women
__ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
__ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
___ Where I can use my iPhone
- (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
__ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
- Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
this change): $________________________
“My wild cat ran away
“My wild cat ran away last week. I put up posters in our neighborhood so that others can help me find the missing lynx.”
As a court clerk, I am well-veAs a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.
Once upon a time, a man appear...Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the
WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS!!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this........
Climb The PoleA group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
TexasAt the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
“Say, is this really a healthy place?”
“It sure is,” the man replied.
“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
You might be a redneck if 22You might be a redneck if...
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.