Why did the referee...
“Why did the referee get fired? Because he was a whistle blower!”
If you see someone writing witIf you see someone writing with their finger, you should offer them a pen for their thoughts.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Knock Knock Collection 029
Burton in the hand is worth two in the bush!
Bush your money where your mouth is!
Butch your arms around me!
Butcher money where your mouth is!
Butter bring an umbrella, it looks like it might rain!
Calculate the number 511
A pastor was opening his mail...A pastor was opening his mail one morning and one envelope had only a single sheet of paper with a single word printed on it: “FOOL!” The following Sunday the priest announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their name. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.”
A blonde, a brunette, and a re...A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"
Pukeing drunkTwo notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk.
"But he shit in my pants too."
A psychiatrist was conducting ...A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."