Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 October 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 October 2017
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1846)

Someone Please Send Me a Very Funny Joke

Send it to webmonk@friarsclub.com

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Ed and Ted met for the first t...

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

“Watchdogs are covere

“Watchdogs are covered with ticks.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Give her a diamond after a fig

Give her a diamond after a fight. It's the best piece of a ring.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

If you want...

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticises what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin , young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then.................
Buy a cat...
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

 Humor About Age


OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas
OLD PROSITUTES never die, they just fake away...
OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horse
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 March 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Find number abc

If a274c - 79bc3 = 31a3 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A man is like a fine wine....

He starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2008
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (8)

A girl was visiting her blonde...

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 October 2016
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (34)

Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 October 2011
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (27)

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 October 2010
  • Currently 5.85/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (26)

Jim Gaffigan: The Book vs. the Movie

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? Theyre always so condescending. Ah, the book was much better than the movie. Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 October 2010
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (23)

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