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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 01 November 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 01 November 2017

Haven't taken a shot a lawyers in a while so …..

Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.” “No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory.” With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.  He replied, “I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door.  “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked.  The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood…

The pig and the cow.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

What do you call a g...

“What do you call a graphic designers' fight? A tiff.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #60 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Believe human freedoms are par...

Believe human freedoms are paramount? You're a rights supremacist!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Why the sun lightens our hair...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 December 2016
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

 You Might Be A Redneck If 16


You might be a redneck if...
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 November 2016
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

The room was full of pregnant...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 22 March 2016
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

New household cleaner

Did you hear about the new household cleaner just put on the market?

It's called "Bachelor."

Why?

Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 November 2014
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 November 2009
  • Currently 6.61/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (82)

Chuck Norris invented water....

Chuck Norris invented water.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 November 2011
  • Currently 2.22/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (55)

A doctor at an insane asylum d...

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"
#joke #doctor #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 November 2009
  • Currently 5.23/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (43)

Donnell Rawlings: SeaWorld Killer

A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. Thats not funny but the headlines were funny: Killer Whale Kills. What the hell do you think a killer whales going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you dont think hed give you no roses.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 November 2010
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (40)

Yo Mama Is So Ugly


Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

#joke #yomama #halloween
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 November 2009
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (32)

A woman complained to her vete...

A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would start humping her every time he came into the house. "Is there anything you can do?" she asked.

The doctor said, "Well, we could castrate him, and then he would no longer have a sex drive."

The woman replies, "That seems awfully harsh. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his breath?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 April 2010
  • Currently 6.54/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (13)

Dogs and Marine Biologists

What is the difference between dogs and marine biologists?
One wags a tail, and the other tags a whale.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

What did the digital clock...

Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
A. Look, No hands!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 May 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

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