A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Whatever you give a woman, she...Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater. If you give her a sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.
Business One-liners 85
Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.
Never buy from a rich salesman.
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Never invest in anything that eats.
Never kick a man unless he's down.
Don't jibba-jibba at meDon't jibba-jibba at me with that onion breath, you rap scallion!
One night a blonde nun was praOne night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared beforeher. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of lovefor your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for thebenefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you,but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I amdoing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supportsme. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, notjust to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from theminds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could dojust for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," saidthe nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
“A croquette is a fli
“A croquette is a flirtatious female frog.”
FLEX WORDLEGuess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Your dogs IQA psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dogs IQ. Heres how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
The guy says, before we go any...The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.
His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well thats ok, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.
The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.
He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.
Carrot, Tomato, and ...There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten."
The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".
Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".