“The skeleton could n
“The skeleton could not unlock the door but then he realized he was the key.”
On their way to the seashore,On their way to the seashore, a trainer and his talking dog were speeding along in a new sports car. A police car started after them.
"Pull over to the side," said the dog. "And when he gets here, let me do all the talking."
Stupid People Stories
LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
I'm addicted to Islam. II'm addicted to Islam. I'm a Koranic user.
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
A week after their marriage, t...A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Wanda, paid a visit to their doctor.
"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said Ed. "My thingy's turnin blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor took a look. Sure enough, Ed's "thingy" really was blue. The doctor turned to Wanda and asked,"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"
"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape," she replied.
Calculate the number 1074
One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.
One day an engineer dies.He wa...One day an engineer dies.He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners.When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"
In Wales, after a road acciden...In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
A prisoner in jail receives a ...A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."