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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 17 December 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 17 December 2017

 Jokes About Senior Citizens


OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change color
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves
OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions
OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor
OLD MP's never die, they just attain peerage
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

I was going to make a pun abou

I was going to make a pun about getting opera tickets in the mail, but that would be really Puccini the envelope.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #6 - Funny Photo Slideshow

An obnoxious guy walks into th

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?"
She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

“Knitters always have

“Knitters always have a skein scheme.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

An engineer was crossing a roa...

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 July 2016
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 December 2014
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

There was a competition to cro...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 December 2009
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (70)

Guns don't kill people. Chuck ...

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 December 2011
  • Currently 3.03/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (58)

Santa accessed someones facebook account

Somebody forgot to set his privacy settings.... Think this is how he got the red nose?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 December 2014
  • Currently 8.26/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (34)

His favorite chocolate chip cookies....

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 December 2016
  • Currently 8.29/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (24)

What Time Is It?

A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
He says, "Half past four!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

Silence is the best

Silence is the response to a fool!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 March 2016
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

That Darn Cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"      

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 June 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 September 2014
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

Law students to study ballet

Why is it advisable for law students to study ballet?

That way their arguments will always be on point!

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.18/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (11)

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