Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 December 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 December 2017
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1539)

“What did the sock pu

“What did the sock puppet say to the sock? Looks like you could use a hand.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Breakthrough?

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

 Answering Machine Message 110


Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

The Law of Equality

The Law of Equality states:
The time taken by a wife when she says 'I'll be ready in 5 minutes' is exactly equal to the to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 mins.'

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Political correctness has a ne

Political correctness has a new virtual reality app. It provides an amazing censory experience.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

A man took his wife to the rod...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 22 April 2015
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (22)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B+C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (5, 7, 13, 30, 32, 38, 55, 57, 63, 85, 89) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B+C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

The will to live

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 December 2014
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

Why did the blonde tip-toe ...

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet.....

so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 December 2009
  • Currently 5.02/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (50)

An elderly couple is vacationi...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 December 2010
  • Currently 7.75/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (32)

"Brokeback Mountain" is not ju...

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 December 2011
  • Currently 3.56/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (32)

Laura Kightlinger: Christmas Sadness

My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. Cause Im plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didnt I get to open this year?
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 December 2011
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (29)

Give him an orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 December 2010
  • Currently 3.35/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (23)

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