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Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 January 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 05 January 2018

“The life of a lens m

“The life of a lens maker is a real grind.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Once upon a time there was a P

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

SLIDESHOW #110 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Excuse For Speeding


A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car in back of me."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

A Letter to My Bank

Dear Sir/Madam:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my Internet Service Provider last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between them presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the Automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience, I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2018, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes, and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised of the following changes.
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated Voice.
By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

  1. To make an appointment to see me
  2. To query a missing repayment
  3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
  4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
  5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
  6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
  7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
  8. To leave a message on my computer. But, to leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
  9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 10 again
  10. The contact will be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:
'Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for.'
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost -- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
I wish you a happy and prosperous 2018
Your humble client...

Laurence Gerard
Webmonk @ The Friars Club

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (14)

Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 January 2015
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

The owner of a drugstore walks

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 October 2014
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (11)

A magician was working on a cr...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 January 2010
  • Currently 7.01/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (72)

A Prayer Upon Waking

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 January 2010
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (46)

A mother and her young inquisi...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 January 2011
  • Currently 7.48/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (42)

Superman wears Chuck Norris pa...

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 January 2012
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (38)

window seat

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?

Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 January 2012
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (29)

The Pastor's Wife

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 January 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A woman goes to the gynecologi...

A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.
After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."
The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."
The doctor says, "I didn't."
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 October 2016
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Mitch Hedberg: Fore!

I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 July 2011
  • Currently 4.74/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (46)

Tony Rock: Whole Other Level

Heres a tip for all the weed smokers in the room. If youre going to smoke, always smoke with your fat friends -- the fatter the better. Cause your fat friends will take the munchies to a whole other level. Your fat friends are like, Damn, potato chips? Im gonna go bake a cake.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 January 2011
  • Currently 2.90/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (21)

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