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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 18 February 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 18 February 2018

A blonde walks into a restaura

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt...
"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde...

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promisedtheir Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman allhis life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the twoblondes kept their promise. They set off fromClearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up ina burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're outfar enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the sideandfinding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, notyet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... AgainBubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out farenough now? Once again Barbie slips over the sideand almost immediately says, 'No, this will neverdo, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbieslips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit oftime goes by and poor Bubbles is really gettingworried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surfacegasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet,Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

SLIDESHOW #127 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Let There Be Light

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks.
So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says 'What the hell are you doing?'
I said 'Having sex with my wife.' He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.62/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (21)

I have problems with...

“I have problems with math but with chemistry, I have solutions.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

 Time To Do The Laundry


The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

  1. You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
  2. You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.
  3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
  4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
  5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
  6. The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
  7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
  8. The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.
  9. Your red T-shirt is now green.
  10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.


#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 22 June 2016
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Genesis rewritten....

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created man in His own image; male and female created He them.

And God looked upon man and woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the devil said to man: "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the devil brought forth chocolate. And woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try My crispy fresh salad."

And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And the devil created sour cream dip. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good."

And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the devil canceled man's health insurance.

Then God showed woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And God created the life-giving tofu. And woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked man, "Do I look fat?"

And the devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And man did. And woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 February 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Lost Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 February 2013
  • Currently 7.89/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (56)

A man walking down the street ...

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 February 2011
  • Currently 7.98/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (49)

Pickup truck full of penguins...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 February 2017
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (42)

Brian Regan: One Eye Set Higher

My eye doctor told me this, Im not making this up. He goes, You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye? No, I didnt know that. He goes, Its no big deal; it doesnt affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 February 2012
  • Currently 5.55/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (31)

The Last One's Law Of Program ...

The Last One's Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 February 2009
  • Currently 3.90/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (21)

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 July 2012
  • Currently 6.54/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (50)

7 Short Jokes for Your Weekend Chuckle Fest

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains. A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You can't do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"

What has 2 buts and kills people?
An assassin

Why did the vegan cross the road?
Ti tell someone they're a vegan!

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

I made a pencil with an eraser on each end.
It was pointless.

I was out drinking with my mates at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.
Is she insecure or what?
That's an average of 6 calls a day!

What do you call it when you get a rash from nickel?
Metallurgy

Image credit Pointless pencils

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Dining Companion

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing
sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 August 2014
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (6)

Jennifer's wedding day was fa...

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 June 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

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