Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 April 2018

These CEOS Have An Argument Over Beer

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conferencing.
Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
‘in ‘Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.’
Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
‘In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.’
Hans steps up next,
‘In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck’s, the real king of beers.’
Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
‘Barman, give me a coke with ice please.’
The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually, Bruce asks, ‘Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?’
Patrick replies, ‘Well, if you lot aren’t drinking, then neither am I.’

The juryman petitioned the cou...

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring: "I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town today for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money."
"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."

My pot belly pig was...

“My pot belly pig was running and slipped on ice. Wound up injuring a hamstring.”

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

Scary Collection 52

A witch joke
Why do witches ride on broomsticks?
Because it's quicker than walking!

A witch joke
What are baby witches called?
Halloweenies!

A witch joke
What do little witches do after school?
Their gnomework!

A witch joke
What do witches say when they overtake each other?
Broom, broom, broom!

A witch joke
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One's a hunted stag and the other is a stunted hag!

A witch joke
Why do witches get good bargains?
Because they like to haggle!

A witch joke
Why did the witch consult an astrologer?
She wanted to know her horror-scope!

A dietician was once addressin

A dietician was once addressing a largeaudience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachsis enough to have killed most of ussitting here, years ago. Red meat isawful. Vegetables can be disastrous,and none of us realizes the germs in ourdrinking water. But there is one thingthat is the most dangerous of all and weall eat it. Can anyone here tell me whatlethal product I'm referring to?, You,sir, in the first row, please give usyour idea."
The man in the front row lowered his headand said, "Wedding cake."

Olive oil....

Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

A man calls home to his wife a...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

A guy falls asleep on the beac...

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.

He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, asedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

First Time in Church

Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."

A Collection Of Insults

When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A couple of slates short of a full roof.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A doughnut short of being a cop.
A few beads short in her rosary.

Change

Don't change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you. Unless you are an asshole. Then you should change.

Belated confession

A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," said the priest. "That's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me $20 for every week he stayed," the man explained.

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause," the priest replied.

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind,” the man said. “I have one more question, though."

"What is that, my son?" the priest inquired.

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Soldier Stands Guard

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Three Men

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men.
He said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.