1. I am currently out at a job1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail toget the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything atall.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send meuntil I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mailwill be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 forthe first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and isunable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and trysending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can seehow many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.
We Are The Best Of FriendsThe patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
Serving Two MastersA Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy."Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
A woman comes home and finds hA woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!"
The husband replies, "Darling, can't you see I'm trying? I've cut down."
Roads: Specifications & bureaucracies live on forever!
The US standard railroad gauge (space between the rails) is 4 feet 8½ inches. z
That is a very odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did they use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that were used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
So why did the wagons have that particular spacing? If they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (including England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions and they have been in use ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? The ruts, which everyone had to match for fear of breaking their wagon wheels, were first formed by chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the manner of wheel spacing.
The US standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8½ inches was derived from the original specifications for the Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live on forever!
So, the next time you are handed a specification and you wonder what bureaucratic horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two horses.
There we have the answer to the original question but now for a new twist to the story.
When we see the space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid fuel boosters that are made by Thiokol at their plant in Utah.
The engineers who designed the boosters would have preferred to make them larger in diameter but they had to be shipped by rail from the factory to the launch site. The railroad from the factory had to pass through several tunnels in the mountains that are, you guessed it, just slightly wider than the railroad track which is about two horse butts wide.
Incredibly, a major design feature of what is currently the world's most advanced and technologically sophisticated transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
Don't you just love engineering?
A good juice bar alw...
“A good juice bar always puts their customers thirst.”
Replace asterisk symbols with ...
Stay out of the dorms...
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
A guy was in a cave, looking f...A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
Mike Vecchione: Favorite Place to TaserMy favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future.
Rowing Your BoatTwo blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
A pastor's wife was expecting...A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'