Jokes of the day for Saturday, 09 June 2018

A man was sitting on a London

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".

This guy was so lonely that he...

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

 Bird Jokes 02

Q: What do parrots eat?

A: Polyfilla!

Q: What do you give a sick bird?

A: Tweetment!

Q: What bird tastes just like butter?

A: A stork!

Q: What's another name for a clever duck?

A: A wise quacker!

Q: Which bird is always out of breath?

A: A puffin!

Q: What's got six legs and can fly long distances?

A: Three swallows!

Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show?

A: The feather forecast!

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?

A: A bird that will talk you ear off!

Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?

A: A box of quackers!

A Talk Between God and Adam

GOD said: 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
“Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?”
“Go down into the valley.”
“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.
God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”
“What’s a river?”
God explained it to him, and then continued: “Go over the hill.”
“What's a hill?”
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”
“What?’s a cave?”
After God explained, he said: “In the cave, you will find a woman.”
Adam asked, “What?’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him too. He continued: “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?”
“Jeez!” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.
Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.
A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…  What’s a headache?”

“When I suggested tha

“When I suggested that my wife should alphabetize her recipes, she would have nothing of the sort.”

Why Is This Night Different?

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down."That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?""Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that.""So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference.""Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?""Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?""Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Oops

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

Kid's say the darndest things....

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10

Chuck Norris knows the last di...

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

From Yuppie Businessman to redneck in 35 Easy Steps

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!

Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!

Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS.

1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!

If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!

Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.

6) Use necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.

9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms.

10) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.

13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

14) Strip off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can.

Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system.

15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer.

16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

17) Cut up Ivy League degree.

18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look.

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk.

20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week.

26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell Porsche.

28) Buy used pickup.

29) Sell condo.

30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained.

32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money.

33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

Some Musical Christmas Advice

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

Typical male

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He feel silent, and she continued,

"You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions."

A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

How was your game, dear?

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. 
"Yup," Scott answered. 
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 
"I forgot."

Who gets the present?

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."