Jokes of the day for Friday, 06 July 2018

One day two blind men started...

One day two blind men started fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 quid on the one with the knife."
Both men ran away.

“The man that pointed

“The man that pointed out the burning building was a fire distinguisher.”

 Question And Answer Jokes

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she’s a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

The Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, 'Jack, I've got trouble down here!'
'What's the matter?' Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
'Bring me my wedge,' Joe shouted. 'You can't get out of here with an eight iron!'

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer

A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

1. The bandage was wound aroun

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Strange...

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Porn movies

Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Price Check on Tampax

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one

of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when

the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the

store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the

store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the

intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb

or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Cat Jokes 03

Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?

A: 'Claws.'
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?

A: A stri-ped!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?

A: A stripey sweater!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?

A: Frostbite!

Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?

A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What is lion's favorite food?

A: Baked beings!

It was the middle of the night...

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.
“No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”

Bill Hicks: Confusing L.A. Weather

L.A. is a very confusing place, only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood. Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, Rained all day, didnt help the drought. Back to you, Tom. I got news for you, folks. If water doesnt solve your drought, youre screwed.

Bring What You Can Carry

Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars. Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."

Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk.
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"
The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"

One day on the way home from w...

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"