Jokes of the day for Friday, 20 July 2018

After receiving his medication

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time-release pills?"
The pharmacist replied, "Yes, they are. They'll begin to work after your check clears."

“The workers at the l

“The workers at the lumber mill went on strike, putting plywood production into suspended lamination.”

 My Wife Is Pregnant

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Nun of Your Business

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair. ”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. “The curlers are on me.”

John the farmer was in the fer

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.He had several hundred young layers (hens), calledpullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was tofertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and anyrooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot andwas replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a setof tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Eachbell had a different tone so John could tell from adistance, which rooster was performing. Now he couldsit on the porch and fill out an efficiency reportsimply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a veryfine specimen he was, too. But on this particularmorning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung atall! John went to investigate. The other roosterswere chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell inhis beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on apullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Johnwas so proud of Butch, he entered him in the countyfair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the"No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the"Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Whoelse but a politician could figure out how to win twoof the most highly coveted awards on our planet bybeing the best at sneaking up on the populace andscrewing them when they weren't paying attention?

Under the kilt...

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he ca...

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Odd Rabbi Out

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

How The Blonde Broker Her Arm

Q: How did the blonde break her arm?

A: she fell out of a tree while she was raking leaves.

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

My Dad Scribbles

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Drunken argument...

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Play hide and go seek

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.

It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.

Pascal runs off and hides.

Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.

He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it!"

Newton smiles and says, "you didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre. You found Pascal!"

Casino Money

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

High maintenance

My new landlady made a pass at me.
I declined, because I didn't want a Hi, mate tenants, relationship.