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Jokes of the day for Monday, 30 July 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 30 July 2018

Always choose a memorable password!

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: .....  mypenis.
As he hits 'enter', to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 5.19/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (16)

When Joe's wife ran away with

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Joe.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #27 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Bad To Say At Funerals


Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral

  1. Geez, what died in here?
  2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
  3. Nice service...where's the keg?
  4. When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
  5. Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
  6. Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
  7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
  8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

“Seated in economy cl

“Seated in economy class in a budget airlines cash strapped, I tightened my belt all the way!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out."What do you have there?" his mother asked.With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

It's Time

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 August 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

A chicken and an egg are lying

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissedoff, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 April 2015
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Banging pussy

There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.

Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.

" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".

On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".

Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop

to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.

While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".

On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".

Submitted by Admin

Edited by Curtis

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 July 2011
  • Currently 2.85/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (86)

Send the Wine Back

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his

regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of

Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying

it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man,

then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

Submitted by Verlaine

Editted by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 July 2010
  • Currently 6.02/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (51)

The doct...

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
therefore have to pay.

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000"

"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient.

"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 July 2008
  • Currently 5.49/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (45)

Boss told me to have a good day

My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 July 2015
  • Currently 8.45/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (44)

Robert Schmidt 05


Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 July 2011
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (35)

Friday Funnies: 11 Jokes to Start Your Weekend Right

Did you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z…
How do they sleep at night?

I was surprised to learn I weigh zero milligrams.
I was like 0mg!

I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“

Went to the beach and fed the birds cannabis laced cake. They seemed to like it…
I left no tern unstoned!

A spider asked a human, "Why are you afraid of me?"
Human: "Well, all the reasons I had have been replaced by the fact that you can talk."

Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!

If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it one star

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!

Me: "Dad, do you know where I can get a Greek sandwich?"
Dad: "I don't know. Let me look through my gyroscope."

I have a lot of respect for giraffes.
They're an animal you can really look up to.

The boss looks over the gentleman's resume and says "Wow, I'm impressed.
It seems like you've got everything needed for the job.
But there's a 4 year gap in here.
What happened there?"
The gentleman responds
"Oh, that's when I went to Yale."
The boss is now super impressed and hires the man on the spot
. The man immediately calls his wife
. "Hey honey, I got the yob!"

#joke #friday #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Tense disagreement

Have you heard about the kid who was going to argued with his dad?
There was a tense disagreement.

Original joke by @nogueydude

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

An employee got lock...

“An employee got locked in a freezer at the ice cream factory and ended up getting spumonia.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 January 2016
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

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