Jokes of the day for Thursday, 16 August 2018

Loading is a small d...

“Loading is a small dent in the bottom of a car.”

Lightbulb Joke Collection 93

Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...
Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they're really three.
Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.
Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger."
Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobody's looking, just to be certain.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
A: About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he cannot change it, right?

My girlfriend told me to take...

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

The hunched-back man decides v

The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
Doctor: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
Hunchback: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
Doctor: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed.
(Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
Hunchback: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
Doctor: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
Doctor: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
Hunchback: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
Doctor: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?

The reason there are so many p...

The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that they have such different views of sex and relationships.
Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex.
Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.

Drinking buddies

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was real...

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Little Johnny was sitting in c...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Bad Temper Problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Now that they allow...

“Now that they allow us to wear jeans at the office everyday, I am no longer a slacker.”

Heart Attack

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!