Join us on WhatsApp
Join us on Viber

Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 29 August 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 29 August 2018

An Illinois man left the snowy...

An Illinois man left the snowy streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, 'You have a drink called Steve?'

#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (16)

SLIDESHOW #37 - Funny Photo Slideshow

I started a business...

“I started a business breeding chickens, but I'm struggling to make hens meet.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Silly Collection 01

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

What is the fruitiest lesson?

History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke
when he's a baby!

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What is a myth?
A female moth!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Compassion With an Umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response. The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

One day God was looking down a...

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 March 2016
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (14)

Actual instruction lables found on products...

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 September 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 August 2012
  • Currently 6.47/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (45)

Put it back

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 August 2011
  • Currently 2.88/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (42)

Begin by standing on a comfort...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 August 2015
  • Currently 8.26/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (39)

Emily Heller: Using Feminism

I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 August 2012
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (36)

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 August 2010
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (33)

World UFO Day Jokes

July 2nd is World UFO Day! Find jokes about it!

Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.

Have u heard about the University For Oceans?
I heard the education is out of the world.

Why don’t aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they’ve just had a big launch

I have never seen a UFO before.
I’m always able to correctly identify the flying object

Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.

Today I got hit by a UFO
Then I turned around and looked down and I found a frisbee

I had my first UFO experience this morning
I walked into the kitchen and confessed to my mum that killed her prize Orchid. The next thing I knew, there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

What do you call an alien spaceship that’s leak water?
A crying saucer.

What do you call a pizza chef on an aeroplane?
A flying sauce-er.

#worldufoday #ufoday

#joke
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Whenever

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says “push”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 February 2016
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The Fortune Teller

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:

"Will I be found guilty?"      

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 January 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.