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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 01 September 2018

A guy is stranded on a desert...

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "Oh my! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (52)

“A giggle is a small

“A giggle is a small job for musicians.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #16 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, 'You have a drink called Steve?'

#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (16)

Burglar and an Elderly Woman

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 May 2018
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

A distinguished young woman on

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priestbeside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over thecustoms limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway youcould carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. Theofficial asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you haveto declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, butwhich is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 January 2016
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

No talking...

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 September 2015
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

 Newest Son-in-law


A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 April 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Chuck Norris was originally ca...

Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 September 2011
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (65)

Whitney Cummings: Silent Treatment

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. I dont understand, whos that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I dont understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby? Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 September 2010
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (50)

When I was married, my wife us...

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 September 2008
  • Currently 7.45/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (49)

Cow insults can be very hard t...

Cow insults can be very hard to diss heifer.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 September 2010
  • Currently 2.85/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (26)

Two quick ones...

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

----------

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 September 2017
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

An imam's shoes

An imam's shoes are made from allah gaiter.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Roar

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 August 2015
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Advice From a Wise Woman

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Native American Woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 April 2018
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

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