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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 08 September 2018

Three old men were talking abo

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Zen Sarcasm, Part 1

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed... Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #84 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Answering Machine Message 167


When the caller calls your number, as Steven Wright suggested, simply have your message be a busy signal!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Why did the cow get...

“Why did the cow get put down? Because she was Pasteur best!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (12)

New drugs for men...

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving oncar trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directionswhen they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were farmore likely to actually finish a household repair project beforestarting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent ofmiddle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported asudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and giftsafter taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whetherthe drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect ofmaking men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxiousintestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise intreating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 September 2015
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 January 2015
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Perverted sex

What do you call a man who has sex with his mom?

A MOTHER FUCKER!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2011
  • Currently 2.03/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (115)

Once a grizzly bear threatened...

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2011
  • Currently 2.53/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (58)

Arj Barker: Friends With Kids

I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And its gotten to the point where I think theyd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. Im like, Alright, but really, wheres the loyalty, man? Ive known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2011
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (46)

Terrorize Telemarketer


Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

  1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
  2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
  3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
  4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
  6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
  8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
  9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."


#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 September 2009
  • Currently 6.29/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (42)

Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 September 2011
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (37)

Best Served Cold

Justice is a dish best served cold...
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

Everything you eat tastes like

Everything you eat tastes like licorice? Talk about anise problem to have.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 February 2017
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

I am trying to make friends ou...

I am trying to make friends outside ofFacebook while applying the same principles.
therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten,how I feel at the moment, what I have donethe night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and ofme gardening, taking things apart in the garage, wateringthe lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving aroundtown, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up"and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have fourpeople following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 January 2017
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Every time i see the word

Every time i see the word “Explain” on a test, a part of me dies.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

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