Jokes of the day for Friday, 14 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 14 September 2018
  • Currently 9.57/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1564)

Sara: Gee, you smell good. Wha...

Sara: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?
Dave: Clean socks.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

I got into a fight w...

“I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Shhhh!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

God, Adam, Eve, a Dog and a Cat

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.'
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.......

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

A talk on sex

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 September 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Small wooden ball at barbershop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 April 2015
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Find number abc

If 678b4 + 6ac76 = ac9a30 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

 Make Life Simpler Tips


Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

  1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
  2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
  3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
  4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
  5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
  6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
  7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.


#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 January 2015
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Chuck Norris once pulled out a...

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 September 2011
  • Currently 2.70/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (30)

Shhhh!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 September 2010
  • Currently 5.48/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (25)

Modern Science

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could

help to prevent herpes...

.. Must be a rubber tree...

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 September 2011
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (25)

John Mulaney: Benchwarmer Humiliation

I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then theyre just pants.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 September 2011
  • Currently 2.78/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (23)

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