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Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 17 September 2018

A new neigbour arrives. The ki...

A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet.
The local kid: "My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?"
The other kid answers, "Alaska".
The first one replies, "Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask 'er myself!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

I just finished building a car using...

I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine. I'm going to take it for a spin later.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #34 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A food fight is roll...

“A food fight is roll playing.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

Technology Is Too Good

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Seattle, Washington:
The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.
Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A young banker decided to get...

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went tothe finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later hewent in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous,he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to puthis hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were nopockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tellme you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in hisown pockets?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 May 2018
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble...

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou sucketh.'

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'

5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap.'

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, 'Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening.'

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 September 2015
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

100 pound pig

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.

The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".

Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 September 2011
  • Currently 3.66/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (62)

A passenger in a taxi leaned o...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 September 2010
  • Currently 7.93/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (46)

Eugene Mirman: If a Bear Attacks

Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? A lot of people do think youre supposed to play dead, which is not what youre supposed to do. And the best thing about playing dead is -- thats like a rumor that bears spread.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 September 2011
  • Currently 5.24/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (41)

How to Make Holy Water

Q: How did the bishop make holy water?
A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 September 2017
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (35)

Expensive Barbie!

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 September 2016
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (27)

Fish p*rn?

Fish p*rn? Deep Trout.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 August 2010
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

A week after their marriage, t...

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor..." I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband." My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that Iprescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 April 2015
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Did you hear about the dumb at...

Did you hear about the dumb athlete who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 September 2008
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (14)

Miraculous Golf Shot

Two men are standing on a golf course. The first one steps up, tees his first ball, and positions himself for a swing. The man lifts his club, swings smoothly down and smacks the ball into the air. It sails off in a nice, long arc, but as it comes down the two men can see that it's heading straight for the water trap.

Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.

When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.

The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 March 2015
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

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