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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 September 2018

There was this young couple wh

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "Oh my! With gum disease like that, it's no wonder you have no teeth!!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Real Church Signs

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #23 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“Paratroopers pull st

“Paratroopers pull strings to stay on the job.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Punished

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 October 2015
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (15)

After retiring, I went to the

After retiring, I went to the Social Security officeto apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me formy driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realizedI had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I wouldhave to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about myexperience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. Youmight have gotten disability, too'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 July 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

 May I Borrow Your Dog For A Few Days?


It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 March 2015
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (52)

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 September 2013
  • Currently 8.35/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (49)

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 September 2009
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (46)

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 September 2010
  • Currently 6.08/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (40)

Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family

They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2011
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (30)

A duck walks into a Dairy

A duck walks into a dairy and says

"Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!"

But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him.

He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed.

The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer.

The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips... heh heh heh

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 May 2015
  • Currently 1.21/10

Rating: 1.2/10 (19)

Ugliest baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 December 2013
  • Currently 5.87/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (15)

A little girl is sitting on he...

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 22 December 2009
  • Currently 8.10/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (40)

What's for supper?

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 15 July 2014
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

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