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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 30 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 30 September 2018

Real Church Signs

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

“Paratroopers pull st

“Paratroopers pull strings to stay on the job.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #100 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A saxophone player was contrac...

A saxophone player was contracted to do a recording session for a movie. Much to his delight, the soundtrack was pretty much a sax solo from beginning to end.
When the session was over the sax player asked the producer what film his music would be in. The producer admitted that it was an adult film and gave him the name of a theatre that would be showing the premiere.
At the premiere, the Saxophone soloist crept into the movie house, embarrassed, and sat in the back next to an elderly couple who were also trying to be anonymous. The movie was disgusting, ending with a scene involving a dog. The sax player finally had enough, and made his exit past the elderly couple, remarking, "I only came to hear the music."
The old lady replied, "We only came to see our dog!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 06 November 2016
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

Why Karaoke is better than sex...

- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.

- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.

- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.

- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.

- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.

- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.

- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.

- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 October 2015
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

After retiring, I went to the

After retiring, I went to the Social Security officeto apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me formy driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realizedI had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I wouldhave to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about myexperience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. Youmight have gotten disability, too'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 July 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nig...

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 2.84/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (44)

Horse back riding

A blonde goes horse back riding.

It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.

She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (41)

Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 September 2010
  • Currently 6.54/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (37)

Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2016
  • Currently 9.06/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (34)

Demetri Martin: Futon World

Theres a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 September 2011
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (22)

News Bulletin – London – July 4, 2017

QUEEN OFFERS TO RESTORE BRITISH RULE OVER UNITED STATES

In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America. Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”

“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said. The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”

Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”

Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”

Just in - The Above is Fake News - Following is the actual full text
In the light of your failure to govern yourselves with dignity, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) has appointed former PM Tony Blair as minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium'. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed'. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is 'Devon'. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become 'shires' e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American 'football' is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2018. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called 'rounders' which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 'Merde' is French for 'Shit'. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Indecisive Day'.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps'. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer', and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer' will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine', with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine'. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will be permitted to keep calling it until July 10 2017) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

#joke #lawyer #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 July 2017
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

An older, white haired man wal...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Fridayevening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for hisgirlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring andshowed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something veryspecial."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and broughtanother ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The younglady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, bycheck. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write itnow and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pickthe ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's nomoney in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (50)

Relationship

In a relationship one person is always right and the other person is a male.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 June 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

A man walked into a restaurant...

A man walked into a restaurant and saw a sign that read, "We'll give you $300 if we're unable to serve you any entree you order."
He sat down and told the waitress he wanted elephant liver on rye.
The waitress took the order and left.
All of a sudden, the man heard terrible noises coming from the kitchen - the sound of feet stamping, screaming and the banging of pots and pans.
It went on and on.
The noise finally stopped, and the cook appeared from the kitchen.
He slapped down $300 in front of the customer and said, "I can't believe it. We're out of rye."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 October 2016
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

A young guy goes to the Job Ce...

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 August 2016
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

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