Jokes of the day for Friday, 02 November 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 02 November 2018 |
Author: Well, the upshot of it
Author: Well, the upshot of it was, that after ten years, I realized I had absolutely no talent for writing.Friend: So, you gave up?
Author: No, I couldn't. By then, I was too famous.
On Fridays
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'
The tribal wisdom of the Dakot...
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation togeneration, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,the best strategy is to dismount."However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride deadhorses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse'sperformance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve thedead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is lesscostly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially moreto the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
Knock Knock Collection 092
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iglesias!
Iglesias who?
Iglesias idea I ever had!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Igloo!
Igloo who?
Igloo knew Suzie like I know Suzie...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iguana!
Iguana who?
Iguana hold you hand!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ike!
Ike who?
Ike-n't stop laughing!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ilka!
Ilka who?
Ilka-pone!
Chinese Jews
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant."Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?""I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?""I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews.""Are you sure?" Al asked."I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews.""Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.""Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"Fast Car?
This man had just bought a brand new Ferrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a moped stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the man if he could take a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said
"oh, around 175-200. Want to see?"
Of course the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. When the light changed, the man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him.
"no! it couldnt be the boy on the moped could it?" He asked to himself.
Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then realized that it indeed WAS the boy on the moped!
Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to let the boy catch up so that he could find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said..
"Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"
A brunette who really hated bl...
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. 'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.
'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'
The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.
'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
Gas Station Fill-up
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Good Question!
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
Fairy tales...
When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"
A hunter was rushed into the e...
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately. So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!" Not everybody has to like me
Not everybody has to like me. I can't force people to have a good taste.