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Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 November 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 November 2018

“What is a shoe repai

“What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert? Cobbler.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

 Bank Robber Stealing


The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.

#joke #december
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (14)

SLIDESHOW #28 - Funny Photo Slideshow

All About Adam

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself.""Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."Eve said, "A man! What's that?""He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed.""Sounds great!" said Eve."Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (13)

A newly ordained priest, nervo...

A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips. After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on".
The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.
"You've done well," said the older man. "Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling 'No way! What happened next?'"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 September 2016
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

Two engineering students meet...

Two engineering students meet on campus one day.The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike!Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class theother day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up onthis bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes,and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn'thave fit you anyway."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 March 2016
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

Jewish Brothers....

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'.

The second said, I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house. The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'

The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.' The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin -- Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.

Irving– Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Chicken was delicious!!!

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 November 2015
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

Three sons left home, went out...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 November 2009
  • Currently 6.73/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (70)

Louis Katz: Hippie Roommate

I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say peace and love, what they really mean is filthy and annoying.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 November 2010
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Rating: 4.3/10 (46)

Condom

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 November 2014
  • Currently 6.46/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (37)

An angry wife to her husband o...

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 November 2017
  • Currently 8.11/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (36)

I'm not saying I hate you...

I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
#joke #short #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 November 2015
  • Currently 7.74/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (34)

Yes, Theo

"Yes, Theo, what is it?" asked the teacher.

"I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don't get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.30/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (20)

Kissing Blarney Stone

A group of Americans were touring Ireland.

One woman in the group was constantly grumbling: The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group reached the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Kissing the Blarney Stone brings good luck all your life," the guide explained. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so no one can kiss it. Maybe we can return tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the cantankerous woman snapped. "We have another dull tour to attend. So, I guess we can't kiss that silly stone."

"Well," the guide replied, "it's said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll receive the same good fortune."

"I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the exasperated guide responded, "but I've sat on it."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

What do I look like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"
The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.


"What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"

#joke
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Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

World Chocolate Day Jokes

July 7th is World Chocolate Day! Find some jokes about it!

Why did the chocolate chip cookie cry? Because his mom was a wafer too long!

What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa-nut.

There are two types of people in this world:
People who love chocolate and liars.

What is the opposite of Chocolate?
Chocoearly.

What Christmas carol do candy bars sing?
Almond Joy To The World.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because it lost its filling!

Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty?
They had a Babe Ruth.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Candy boy. Candy boy who? Candy boy have another piece of chocolate?

What did the M&M go to college?
Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

What does it do before it rains candy?
It sprinkles!

Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had his ear bitten off.
One said “Happy Easter!” What did the other one say? “Huh?”

I opened a Mars bar once.
I discovered martians love gin.

Life is like a box of chocolates…
Mostly disappointing.

A seven-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars are bad for you.”
The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be 105.” The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?” “No,” says the boy. “But he minded his own business.”

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?
Cacao.

Why did the chocolate bar go to the dentist?
He had a chip in his tooth.

Why is a Toblerone triangular?
So it fits in the box.

#joke #short
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