Jokes of the day for Sunday, 11 November 2018

Geography of a Woman...

Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yellsback,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

“What is a shoe repai

“What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert? Cobbler.”

Christian One-Liners

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

 Answering Machine Message 171

Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.

BUT GOD.............!

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry...I didn't recognize you."

A sister and brother are talki...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

I walked in to our house to fi...

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman.

"Hello, all," I announced.

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'.

"The census bureau?" I asked.

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly.

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper.

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked.

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me.

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'."

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me.

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump."

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.

Most people put their pants on...

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

Good jokes-Windy

Try To Get Some Rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."

Panicked father

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

24 Leap Day Jokes - Make Every February 29th memorable

Trying to figure out why 2024 will be longer than 2023…
But so far, nothing leaps to mind.

What’s a great thing about leap-year jokes?
That you only hear them repeated every 4 years.

If a leap year has 366 days, what do you call a year with 365 days?
A light year.

Why did the man get arrested on Leap Day?
Because he was doing 29 in a 28 zone.

What do you call a frog born on February 29?
A leap frog

What do Lawyers do on leap day?
They jump to conclusions

How do you know it’s almost Leap Day?
When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.

What do athletes wear during a Leap Year?
Jumpsuits.

What do kids play during a Leap Year?
Hop-scotch.

What do you call a surgery during a Leap Year?
A hop-eration.

Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
RIP people born on the 29th of February.

October 31st should be a leap year.
One day you’re having a good time with Halloween. Then it’s 3 years of being ghosted.

Today is a leap day.
Guess you should jump with joy.

Yo mama so old, she even lived through the first leap year.

Are you gonna buy into an annual subscription of any kind?
Do it on February 29, you might get it free for the next four years based on poor code!

Happy 2025 to all.
Remember we must skip 2024 — it’s a leap year.

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Hip Hop

How did the leap year party go?
It was jumping all night long!

Why did the calendar feel unbalanced during leap years?
Because it had an extra day to juggle!

Why don't lions like Leap Day?
Because they are always jumping through hoops.

What does a captain do on Leap Day?
Jump ship.

I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

Why was February so popular with the other months?
Because it brought an extra day of fun to the party!

Why don’t we ever plan important events on February 29th?
Because it’s too risky to take a leap of faith!

How are you feeling? #joke #humor

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"

Would you like me to be your friend?

Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.

A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."

"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"