Geography of a Woman...Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlingMa was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yellsback,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
“What is a shoe repai
“What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert? Cobbler.”
Christian One-LinersSome people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
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Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry...I didn't recognize you."
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A sister and brother are talki...A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
I walked in to our house to fi...I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman.
"Hello, all," I announced.
My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'.
"The census bureau?" I asked.
"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly.
"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper.
So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked.
My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me.
"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'."
My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me.
"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump."
My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.
Adjusting his rims, the guy answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."
Try To Get Some RestA man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."