Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 November 2018
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 23 November 2018|
“As I scent her out t
“As I scent her out to a choir cheep denim genes I waived good buy.”
Two Minute Management Course..Two Minute Management Course...
An eagle was sitting on a tree — resting...doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree; but, I haven't got the energy", sighed the
turkey. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. "They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally, on the fifth day, he found
himself proudly perched at the top. There, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top; but, it won't keep you there.
A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird's wings froze and he fell to the ground in a large field. While
he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how
warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! The bird lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard
the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out
and ate him.
1.) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2.) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3.) And, when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!!!
This concludes your two-minute management course.
Don't Wake your Neighbors!A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
Knock Knock Collection 0049
Diploma to fix the leak!
Disaster be my lucky day!
Disguise the limit!
Dishes a very bad joke!
Disk is recorded message, please leave your message after the beep!
Grandmother....Is that you?
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
"Grandma, how long have you an"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.
"Fifty years," Grandma replied.
"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"
"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."
Calculate the number 905
We noticed that all the waiter...We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
A man is dining in a fancy res...A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye
Dream jobReaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."