Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 December 2018
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 13 December 2018 |
“When the goose hit D
“When the goose hit Dracula like a feather duster it was soon down for the Count.”
The Senility Prayer
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.Juan comes up to the Mexican b
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Brand new Christmas cracker jokes
1. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?
Pays her off
Voted the best new Christmas cracker joke of 2018, author:Edinburgh teacher, Michael Hughes, 37 - the winner of the competition run by TV Channel Gold.
2. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas?
Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers
3. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play?
No prophet
4. What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas?
Their silence
5. When do sheep practice their new dance?
While shepherds watched them floss by night
6. What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born?
The stable has had some wise men in it
7. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?
She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes
8. What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas?
Suits
9. Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party?
She misjudged the strength of the punch
10. Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?
Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper
11. What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning?
They keep changing the thyme
12. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?
Because he’s tired of being in the single market
13. What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas?
Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher
14. What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey?
Shred sauce
Jokes seen first on:https://www.independent.ie/>Four Things
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
Finding Perfect Men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends."The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Two blondes, Carol and Patt...
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!
Scientifically speaking, it is...
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.Police Quotes
“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”
“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”
“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
A thin girl
I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean this is a skinny girl. You never saw anybody so thin. She turned sideways you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maître'd said to me, 'Can I check your umbrella?'
Mel Brooks (June 28 1926-)
Picture: Kim Kulish / AFP
One day in philosophy class th...
One day in philosophy class they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, one student was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home he tried to continue the discussion with his family.With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
One day in philosophy class th...
One day in philosophy class they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, one student was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home he tried to continue the discussion with his family.With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
Walking economy
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
Marriage Certificate
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."