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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 16 February 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 16 February 2019

Dr. Phil was conducting a ther...

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said,"You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol.This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Keeping School Clean

Teacher to the class: "How can we keep our school clean?"
Student: "By staying at home?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

SLIDESHOW #95 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A redneck couple, both bona fi...

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
#joke #doctor
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Read this question, come up wi

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..
While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..


Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

 Knock Knock Collection 079


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hacienda!
Hacienda who?
Hacienda the story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hagar!
Hagar who?
Hagar, you with the stars in your eyes....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haifa!
Haifa who?
Haifa cake is better than none!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hair!
Hair who?
Hair today, gone tomorrow!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haiti!
Haiti who?
Haiti see a good thing go to waste!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

“Did you hear about t

“Did you hear about the dog who ran two miles to bring back his master's stick? Personally, I think it's a bit far-fetched.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Authorized Personnel Only

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 January 2017
  • Currently 8.86/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (83)

Faith in God...

A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come up. The water starts rising, and before you know it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered. Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along.

The guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to save you. Get in the boat.' The guy in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that God will save me.'

The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy is forced up the second floor of his house by the flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in the boat yells, 'Come on! It's getting worse. If you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.' From the second floor window the guy says, 'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll save me.'

The boat leaves. Water's rising. The guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come now you're going to drown.' The guy says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will save me.'

The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he would save me. Why did he let me down?'

And St. Peter tells him, 'What the heck do you want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 February 2016
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-t...

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 February 2014
  • Currently 3.59/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (68)

The Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an

apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she

looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,

the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old

man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you

done that and what are you praying for?" The old man

replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In

the morning I pray for world peace and then for the

brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come

back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from

the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come

here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she

asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a

wall."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 February 2009
  • Currently 7.02/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (48)

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his...

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth, he scares the plaque off each morning by snarling in the mirror.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 February 2012
  • Currently 3.59/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (41)

Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 February 2009
  • Currently 7.95/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (40)

Compassion With an Umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 February 2010
  • Currently 4.35/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (37)

Blocked and unfriended

Being blocked and unfriended by some people is like the trash taking itself out.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 July 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Clitoris Like Mellon

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".

"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't referring to size but to taste."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 November 2015
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

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