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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 20 March 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 20 March 2019

Honest Aging

My youngest son asked me how old I was.
I answered, "39 and holding."
He thought for a moment and then asked, "But how old would you be if you let go?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

“Authentic hemp rope

“Authentic hemp rope is made ac-cord-ing to string-ent regulations.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

SLIDESHOW #60 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Scary Collection 28


A vampire joke
What do romantic vampires do?
Neck!

A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favorite vegetable?
Marrow!

A skeleton joke
What did the old skeleton complain of?
Aching bones!

A vampire joke
What did Dracula say to his new apprentice?
We could do with some new blood around here!

A skeleton joke
What is a skeleton?
Somebody on a diet who forgot to say "when"!

A vampire joke
How does a vampire clean his house?
With a victim cleaner!

A vampire joke
What does a vampire say when you tell him a ghoul joke
?
Ghoul blimey!


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Me: Would you like to be t

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Because of an ear infection, L...

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 22 May 2018
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

I was sitting in the waiting r...

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended northmont high school.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'what did you teach?'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 December 2016
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (19)

Moral of the story....

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.

Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 March 2016
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Where ya from, Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 March 2015
  • Currently 8.91/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (46)

A fellow nurse at my hospital ...

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 March 2009
  • Currently 6.91/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (44)

A cowboy rides into town on Fr...

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday
#joke #short #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 March 2010
  • Currently 7.03/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (33)

A vertically challenged psychi...

A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 March 2011
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (30)

One day my friend as...

“One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 March 2014
  • Currently 4.74/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (23)

Hymns By Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..." The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 March 2018
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

College

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 July 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Bert always wanted a pair of a...

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought a pair and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered in to the kitchen and said to his wife, Margaret, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off in to the bedroom, undressed and walked back in to the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert. What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!"
And without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a new hat, Bert."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 August 2016
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

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