Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 20 March 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 20 March 2019
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (2385)

Honest Aging

My youngest son asked me how old I was.
I answered, "39 and holding."
He thought for a moment and then asked, "But how old would you be if you let go?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

“Authentic hemp rope

“Authentic hemp rope is made ac-cord-ing to string-ent regulations.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

 Scary Collection 28


A vampire joke
What do romantic vampires do?
Neck!

A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favorite vegetable?
Marrow!

A skeleton joke
What did the old skeleton complain of?
Aching bones!

A vampire joke
What did Dracula say to his new apprentice?
We could do with some new blood around here!

A skeleton joke
What is a skeleton?
Somebody on a diet who forgot to say "when"!

A vampire joke
How does a vampire clean his house?
With a victim cleaner!

A vampire joke
What does a vampire say when you tell him a ghoul joke
?
Ghoul blimey!


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Me: Would you like to be t

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Because of an ear infection, L...

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 22 May 2018
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

I was sitting in the waiting r...

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended northmont high school.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'what did you teach?'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 December 2016
  • Currently 8.65/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (17)

I can be long, or I can be s...

I can be long, or I can be short. I can be grown, and I can be bought. I can be painted, or left bare. I can be round, or square. What am I?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Moral of the story....

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.

Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 March 2016
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Where ya from, Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 March 2015
  • Currently 8.86/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (36)

A fellow nurse at my hospital ...

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 March 2009
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (35)

A cowboy rides into town on Fr...

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday
#joke #short #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 March 2010
  • Currently 7.16/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (25)

A vertically challenged psychi...

A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 March 2011
  • Currently 5.91/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (23)

One day my friend as...

“One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 March 2014
  • Currently 4.85/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (20)

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