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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Dating Chickens

I used to run a dating agency for chickens...
But I was struggling to make hens meet!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

“Maintaining a health

“Maintaining a healthy diet is a piece of cake.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #33 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Jake is struggling through a b

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" ...and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.
"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" as the stranger pulls out his checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Recently someone was browsing

Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest(dated Feb. 1962), came across this reprint from the Washington News andfound it quite interesting considering our current debates!
The Quote:
Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation:
"Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

 Answering Machine Message 156


Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Where's your homework?

Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 March 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Animal Orgasms

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 March 2011
  • Currently 5.02/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (54)

A man walks into a bar and say...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 March 2010
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (48)

A woman is walking on the road...

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 March 2010
  • Currently 6.65/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (46)

What's round and bad tempered?

What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 March 2010
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (45)

Waiting for love

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 January 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Pilot: Have you ever flown in ...

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?

Passenger: No, I have not.

Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.

Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?

Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 November 2011
  • Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (8)

The Laws Of Golf


LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 July 2011
  • Currently 3.59/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (44)

Cannibals eating a clown

'Two cannibals were eating a clown - one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

Tommy Cooper(1921-1984)

Picture: Rex

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 January 2015
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Dalmatian's Duties

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 July 2017
  • Currently 8.95/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (22)

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