Jokes of the day for Monday, 22 April 2019
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 22 April 2019|
“Apparel baron quit b
“Apparel baron quit business to be spiritual as he no longer believed in material wealth!”
The blonde walks into a pharmaThe blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant forsome bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant,and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has beenbuying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and wouldlike some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist wholooks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick ofunderarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads outloud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Business One-liners 48
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
We have two test tubes here..."We have two test tubes here," said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. "They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa.
If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?"
"Could you possibly give us a demonstration?" asked an awed member of the audience.
"I'm sorry, not tonight," said the professor, "Solution A has a headache."
Chess Knight Move
Out of the Mouths of Babes...
An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"
A man took his wife to the rod...A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Blondes working on a houseTwo blondes were working on a house. The one
who was nailing down siding would reach into
his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out
of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw
it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed
toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and
yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward
you aren't defective! They're for the other side
of the house!"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."