Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 April 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 23 April 2019 |
Making The Grade
In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy: "You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an F in English."
“In 1582 William Shak
“In 1582 William Shakespeare married a lady named Anne. Rumor has it that he often said, 'She hath a way about her.'”
Pete and Mick were in court an
Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge."Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
Scary Collection 09
A witch joke
How did the witch feel after she was run over by a car?
Tyred!
A cannibal joke
What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?
They file them!
A ghost joke
Where do undertakers go in October?
The hearse of the year show!
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
The fangdango!
A Halloween joke
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!
A witch joke
How do witches lose weight?
They join weight witches!
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."He has all the virtues I dislike and none...
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
Nuns on the highway...
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Mommy Mommy 03
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Brian Posehn: Quitting Meat
Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat. Miracle whip
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?A: Miracle Whip.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Subway Party
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?"
he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
Changed my Facebook name to 'No one'
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'. New 2023 Thanksgiving jokes
What kind of dessert sticks to the wall?
Pie-der Man!
What do you call roasted vegetables that run from the kitchen to the table?
Hustle Sprouts!
Need more Thanksgiving jokes? We have huge Thanksgiving jokes collection
If the Mayflower brought the Pilgrims, what brought their dogs?
The Collie-flower!
What do you call the ghost of a turkey?
A poultry-geist!
Why are turkeys always grumbling?
They’re in a fowl mood!
Has this meat juice been listening to Joe Rogan?
It’s so baste!
How did the turkey get to Thanksgiving?
He rode the gravy train!
Why did the turkey’s dad make him eat nothing but stale bread?
To stuffin’ him up!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
He was trying to convince people he was a chicken!
These used to be plain old cranberries. Now, they’re a flying sauce-er!
(throw cranberry sauce across the room)
