Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 01 May 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 01 May 2019
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (3094)

Milking The Cow

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.47/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (17)

“Encounters between c

“Encounters between clumsy humans and killer whales tend to be orcward.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

The first grade teacher. Miss

The first grade teacher. Miss Figpot asked Little Johnnie, "Johnnie if I gave you two rabbits and then two more rabbits and then two more rabbits, how many would you have?"
Johnnie replied, "Seven rabbits, Miss Figpot."
The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnnie, If I gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits, plus two more rabbits, how many rabbits would you have altogether?"
Johnnie smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."
"Ok Johnnie," Miss Figpot said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two cans of Pepsi, plus two more cans of Pepsi, plus two more cans of Pepsi. How many cans of Pepsi would you have?"
"Six cans." Johnnie answered.
"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. If I gave you two rabbits, then two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how many would you have?"
"Seven, Teacher." Johnnie replied.
Exasperated, Miss Figpot asked, "Why seven?"
Johnnie replied, "Because I already have one rabbit at home!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

A 90-year-old man said to his...

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have anelderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he wasgoing out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella insteadof his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside thestream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 October 2017
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (39)

I Am Going To Shop

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 November 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Things sure have changed...

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 May 2016
  • Currently 4.41/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (17)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (12, 14, 16, 34, 36, 38, 72, 74, 76, 82) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A+B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A man walks into a bar and he'...

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "all lawyers are a*******."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "no, Iam
#joke #lawyer #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 2.82/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (50)

St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.
The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.
He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (47)

Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."      

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 May 2017
  • Currently 8.68/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (38)

Chelsea Handler: Not Excited About Alcoholism

Theres a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. You drink too much. You sleep too much. Its like, if you were drunk all the time, youd be tired, too.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 5.18/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (33)

A champion jockey is about to ...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 May 2010
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (30)

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