Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 May 2019

Must watch Advice – Sinbad on Marraige

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

 Did You Make A Donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Undercover Police

I saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird...
Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops”...

“When I lived on the

“When I lived on the coast I consulted the tide charts every day. I liked to keep up on current events.”

Yesterday I went to the doctor...

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight,and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measure...

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Computer Movers

Dick and Dirk are employed in a computer hardware store as movers.

One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Dick being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Dirk is struggling very hard to lift his computer.

At this Dick says, "What Dirk, my comp has 500 MB HardDisk and yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it ???"

At this Dirk thinks for a while and replies, "Thats right, but my HardDisk is full and yours is empty"

I Own The Fastest Car

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

Praying for a Parking Space

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”

Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Out of Eden

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”

A man walks into the psychiatr...

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes

Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.

Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.

Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.

Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room

Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under

Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.

Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs

Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.

Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume

Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin

Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!

Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.

Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.

Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage

Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer

Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula

Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary

Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop

Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead

Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!

Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it

Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.

Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull

Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone

Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.

Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones

Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus

Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points

Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.

Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone

Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.

Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him

Talking clock

While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! IT'S 2 AM!"