Jokes of the day for Thursday, 16 May 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 16 May 2019
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (2378)

“When he found out he

“When he found out he was just imitation butter he feared he would one day be living in the margarine of society.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Knowing the Golf Course

"These are the proper names for the parts of the golf course," a father instructed his ten year old.
You start at the tee, walk down the fairway and put your ball in the hole on the green.
"But dad, what do you call that part where your ball gets lost in the tall grass?" his son asked.
"Oh that's what I call the un-fairway," he replied.

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

 Question Answer 06


What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 November 2018
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

A taxpayer received a strongly...

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 November 2016
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Your house plants are alive, a

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids nextdoor won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condomsand pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm nevergoing to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for realwork.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 July 2016
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 May 2010
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (38)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (4, 5, 6, 12, 24, 25, 31, 44, 45, 51) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Chuck Norris hears sign langua...

Chuck Norris hears sign language.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 May 2011
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (32)

The Young Executive & The Blonde CEO

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy...'

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 May 2017
  • Currently 8.54/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (28)

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 May 2009
  • Currently 6.41/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (22)

Daniel Tosh: God Does Not Hate Gay People

God does not hate gay people. Hes just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 May 2010
  • Currently 4.48/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (21)

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