Jokes of the day for Thursday, 23 May 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 23 May 2019
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (2256)

“My friend was runnin

“My friend was running with cheese yesterday, but I told him to stop because it was sharp.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

"You seem to have more than th

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Have You Seen A Doctor?

Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.32/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (19)

 Watching For Suicide


Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?
I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.
Apparently, just to anger him.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

So this isn't Home Sweet Home

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower yourstandards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's evenworse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen isdelirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for theyshall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen andgone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vendingmachines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to aspeed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 March 2017
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Chuck Norris, who had grown ti...

Chuck Norris, who had grown tired of easy victories in fights, once fought himself to the death and won.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 May 2011
  • Currently 3.59/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (46)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (5, 13, 14, 20, 26, 27, 33, 42, 62, 63, 69) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Patton Oswalt: Romantic Comedies

Every romantic comedy should just be called, Trying to F**k.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 May 2012
  • Currently 4.45/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (44)

Anger versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 May 2012
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (43)

A man got really drunk one nig...

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 May 2012
  • Currently 6.62/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (34)

Hiring An Accountant


Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 May 2011
  • Currently 5.72/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (29)

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