Jokes of the day for Friday, 31 May 2019

Take Your Kid To Work Day

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

“A queue at a haunted

“A queue at a haunted house is a line of fright.”

There was this man who muttere

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

The golfer and the funeral

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."

Mid-life is when you go to the

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

 Real Flight Announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Donald Glover: We Get It

Its kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?

Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work

Its been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.

Unlocking Your Car

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"

The One Big Halloween Scare

I told my wife that there is only one thing that scares me on Halloween.
My wife: Which is?
Me: Exactly!

The New Flight Atten

A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."

Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his co-pilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna shag the brains outta that new blonde flight attendant."

His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.

An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a shit first."

Fighting for Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read…
Main entrance.