“When they allowed th
“When they allowed the bass sheep into the barbershop quartet they really set the baa low.”
Boss to the new employee: We aBoss to the new employee: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
I'm A Talking Tree
Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”
Question And Answer Jokes
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
1. Is it good if a vacuum rea1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote controlwhen you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?I dunno, why do we?
MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A+B-C
One day Mr. Phillard was laying down on his bed until his wife screamed, 'Oww! I'm having labor pains!'
So Mr. Phillard rushed his wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife Mr. Phillard's brother Bill arrived at the hospital. Bill is a little slow in the head if you know what I mean and seems to always bother Mr. Phillard. So when the doctor called Mr. Phillard in to watch the birth he walked in with pride! But when he saw the blood and everything else, he fainted.
When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed and saw the doctor standing above him. The doctor said, 'Mr. Phillard, you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins.' Mr. Phillard became tremendously happy. The doctor also said, 'They are a boy and a girl!'
Mr. Phillard became immensely happy!! The doctor continued, 'Although you were unconscious and your wife as well because of the anesthesia she requested, your brother Bill name the kids.'
Mr. Phillard screamed, 'What! My brother the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them!?' The doctor replied, 'Well, he named your daughter Denice'
Mr. Phillard answered, 'Hey not bad! I underestimated my brother. Well what did he name my son?'
The doctor answered solemnly, 'He named your son Denephew.'
Computer Problem Report FormDescribe your problem:
Now, describe the problem accurately:
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up
Is your computer plugged in? Yes No
Is it turned on? Yes No
Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes No
Have you made it worse? Yes
Have you read the manual? Yes No
Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes No
Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No
Do you think you understood it? Yes No
If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
How tall are you? Are you above this line?
What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes No
How does this problem make you feel?
Tell me about your childhood
Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes No
Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes
Fred & SaddamQ: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.