Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 26 June 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 26 June 2019 |
Stealing people’s electrons
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
Found on: badjokesbyjeff.tumblr.com
If I won the lottery
A man came home one day and said to his wife: "Honey, what would you do if I said I'd won the lottery?"
She sneered: "I'd take half and then leave you."
"Excellent," he replied. "I hit 3 numbers and won $10. Here's $5, pack your bags and get out."
Rent A Church Singing Group
Man: "Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?
Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"
Man: "Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"
Question And Answer Jokes
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Baseball boy
A little boy walked up to homeplate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand.
As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, "I am the best ball player ever!" He swung with all his might, but missed.
He did the same thing and missed again.
He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said "I am the best ball player in the world!" Then he swung and missed again.
"Wow!" he said. "What a pitcher!"
Hari Kondabolu: Arizona Anti-Immigration Laws
Its this anti-immigration legislation that theyre trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. I think thats horrendous. But what amazes me is that people support this law. I was watching the news, this woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced, she says, Hey, were just trying to bring the country back to the way it used to be. The way it used to be? Lady, youre in Arizona. It used to be Mexico. Wayne
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit."How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the blonde girl.
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
Two men went bear hunting. Whi...
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Bill Engvall: Creepy Old Man Status Achieved At 50
I love being fifty. Fifty is a very cool age. But it does come with some responsibilities. Like fifty-year-old guys cant go out with really young girls anymore. Up to fifty, you can. But once you hit fifty, you become that creepy old guy. And weve all done it. You see some old guy with some young girl, you dont sit there and go Aw, that is so sweet. This is what everybody in this room says: Money or drugs, thats all Im saying. Money or drugs. Black Eyes
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Gas Station Fill-up
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Look
Look, you can either agree with me or you can be wrong.