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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 July 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 July 2019
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (2255)

No kids

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Author NuSuntTroll

Photo by Ashton Bingham on Unsplash

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Timber wolf

“A timber wolf is an animal with wooden legs.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (15)

Valentine's Day cards

Top economist Valentine's Day cards

4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.

3. Let's raise housing starts together.

2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.

1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

The Lackluster Limo Driver

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

Stand outside

I'm gonna go stand outside,

so if anybody asks you can just say i'am outstanding.

Photo by Jay Sadoff on Unsplash

#joke #short #dadjoke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.55/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (22)

Try To Explain Yourself

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.
A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"
After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 30 October 2016
  • Currently 3.52/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (23)

FLEX WORDLE

FLEX WORDLE Guess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

I am passing this on to you be

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, Ifinished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box ofGodiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 January 2016
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

The maids revenge

Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 August 2010
  • Currently 6.56/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (48)

Weekend at Daves..

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David.

"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.

"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"

"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 July 2011
  • Currently 3.64/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (45)

Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans

I dont know if youve ever been to England, but as soon as they find out youre from America, they hate you. They just think theyre more sophisticated than we are. Theyre so pissed at us. You know what it is? Theyre mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 July 2010
  • Currently 3.72/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (43)

Cheapest Meat

Q. What is the cheapest meat?

A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 July 2012
  • Currently 4.58/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (38)

Blondes Never Have Ice

Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?

A: They forgot the recipe.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 July 2008
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (34)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 94


Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 July 2011
  • Currently 3.47/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (32)

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