10 ways to tell someone the10 ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped
1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out
3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
6. Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
10. Men are From Mars, Women can see Your Penis
A pastor's wife was expectingA pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before thecongregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregationdecided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expandingsalary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much thepastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from hischair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old ladystruggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wearrubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Did You Hear
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married...
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Meeting of the professional photographers
“At the annual general meeting of the professional photographers many high-resolutions were put forward!”
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
Dream Flying Planes
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.
Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
What do you call a 100-year-old ant?
Mitch Hedberg: Fore!I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him.
Son : Mom, when I was on the b...Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!
What she Really Means...
What she Really Means
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
Lawyer VacancyThere was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Kangaroo + Leap Year =
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?
A leap year!