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Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 July 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 12 July 2019
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1881)

Death and Taxes

Death and taxes are inevitable...
But at least death doesn't get worse every year!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

A man charged with assault and

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit".

When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

How kind you are?

No matter how kind you are,

German children are kinder.

Joke found on reddit, posted by mattsulli in 2016

Photo by Elliot11 Medino on Pixabay

#joke #pun #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Refusal to offer mean assistant professor position

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, Iregret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer mean assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusuallylarge number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising fieldof candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience inrejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs atthis time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professorin your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

My check-up

“I asked the doctor how my check-up went. All he said was, 'Get will soon.'”

#joke #short #doctor #pun
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (16)

Looking Into Their Eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 November 2018
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

FLEX NERDLE

FLEX NERDLE Guess the NERDLE in 6 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

How Do You Pronounce Kissimee?

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.

They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 July 2016
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

How to Produce Ugly Children

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 July 2011
  • Currently 5.31/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (42)

Unlucky Parachutist

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (36)

Lewis Black: Absolute Faith

You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 July 2011
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (35)

Neal Brennan: Shut It Down

If you work in porn, I dont know if you and your coworkers know this, but we have enough porn. You dont have to keep making it. You did a great job, we appreciate your service, but you can shut it down.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 3.30/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (33)

Blonde Email

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?

Envelopes in the disk drive.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 July 2012
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (29)

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