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Jokes of the day for Monday, 22 July 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 22 July 2019
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1813)

Southern Pounderings

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Funny Rules

Rules

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

An Angry Spouse

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking once back inside.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.65/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (17)

If all is love

“If all is love, will everything end in the Apuckerlips?”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.57/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (14)

E.T.s eyes

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2016
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

 Bad Relationships


Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 October 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

FLEX NERDLE

FLEX NERDLE Guess the NERDLE in 6 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

Seven New York City bartenders...

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 February 2015
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Pretty normal

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 July 2011
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (52)

Dane Cook: By a Round of Applause

Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, How you feeling? We always say that, By a round of applause, how do you feel? Right? By a round of applause, how you feeling? Its the only place in the world that you judge how youre feeling by a round of applause... Theres never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- Maam! Maam! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- shes not clapping!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 July 2010
  • Currently 3.28/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (46)

Three Blonds On Death Row


Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 July 2011
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (41)

Santa is a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 July 2012
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (37)

Business one-liners 65

If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

If it doesn't work, expand it.

If it happens, it must be possible.

If it is good, they will stop making it.

If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 July 2012
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (28)

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